The Heart of the Family: Keeping your partnership strong
by Lynne Herbert
At the heart of every two-parent household is a partnership between a couple, and it is this relationship that sets the tone for all others. When there is conflict, it is felt throughout the family, and when there is peace and connection, these feelings radiate as well. Thus, when parents are feeling frustrated and exhausted about their relationship, so are their children. Evidence shows that even infants notice negative changes in their parents' energy level and emotional state, leading to an increase in irritability and crying and a decrease in their ability to sleep and accept soothing.
When struggling to create a change in your relationship, remember that improving the connection with your partner will also benefit your child, providing:
- A model for closeness and relationships.
- Lessons on how to work through conflict.
- A sense of calmness, safety, and stability within the household.
- An opportunity to receive the full attention of the parents. This can be a challenge when the parents are focused on working through their own relational concerns.
- Improved self-esteem. Often children feel that they are responsible for problems at home.
- Decreased emotional turmoil and fewer instances of acting out and oppositional behavior at home.
- An environment that feels a lot more fun and enjoyable.
Finding the time and energy to begin healing a relationship that has become strained can feel overwhelming for some couples, but it often doesn't take much to see improvements — small efforts can make big ripples in the system when both partners are invested in reconnecting. Restore or strengthen your relationship with your partner by trying one or more of the following tips:
- Make time for each other. I often hear about the challenge of finding childcare and the hassle of arranging a "date night," but those who follow through reap the rewards. Dates can happen during the work week, in the mornings, anytime. The only rules are that it's just the two of you and you are involved in a mutually enjoyable and connecting activity — it's what brought you together to begin with.
- Arrange a regular "check in" time, either daily or weekly, depending on your needs. It is a time of emotional connection and communication, not about the logistics of life but the underlying feelings. It is equally about hearing and feeling heard — either about the relationship and feelings of connection, or sharing other stresses from outside of the relationship.
- Renew your romance. Finding that romantic connection can be easy, and a little effort can go a long way. Write down 10-20 things to share with your partner — the little things that melt your heart and help you to feel loved when your partner does them. It can be leaving a note, making coffee in the morning, a hug and kiss after coming home, a call during the day — simple but meaningful gestures. Once you receive your partner's list, attempt to do something daily to feed the relationship according to your partner's request.
- Conflicts are inevitable and healthy, but fighting isn't. Learn the rules for resolving conflict and identify what works best for you and your partner. Talk about how to successfully deal with conflict before things arise — have a game plan. When things do get off course, understand that it's part of the journey and be sure to reconnect and resolve the issue so you can move forward together.
- Notice the positives, give appreciations, and point out when your partner does something that you enjoy or that is helpful.
- Take care of yourself. Self care is essential to your ability to be emotionally available to your partner as well as your children. Stay connected with friends, exercise, meditate, read, and learn how to manage your own stress.
- Try not to guess what your partner is feeling — ask, be curious. A lot of conflict can result from assumptions.
- Don't be afraid to seek professional support. It's much easier to teach couples how to be proactive in avoiding disconnection than to help them reconnect after feeling distant for quite some time. Couples often head to counseling as a "last resort," when nothing else has seemed to help them to feel close again; once they have reached that point, however, one or both partners may not be willing to recommit. Seek support early and avoid the pain of a lost connection.
Lynne Herbert, LPC is a licensed counselor working with children and families on building and strengthening relationships at the Attachment Center of Central Oregon. For more information, visit www.attachCO.com or contact Lynne at (541)389-5446.
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